Day 660 - Ethan's Problems...Which Are Threefold...Part I

There are days as a parent when my job takes a dramatic shift away from molding and shaping of young minds and instead turns into me becoming something akin to a warden or police officer. 

"Freeze!"

"Lay down on the ground and put your hands over your head."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, I'll take into account while punishing you!"

I know he isn't a policeman but I couldn't resist a good Mr. Freeze gif.

There is a consolation prize in the  fact that most parents probably experience something similar at one time or another. If you don't feel that way about your parenting style, maybe it's time for a personal performance review. Side note, look at me just breaking out State Street HR terminology three years after I left the company!

In all reality, even if I'm not really that bad, I can pretty much guarantee Ethan currently believes that to be the case. In fact, if he was capable of human speech, he'd tell you himself. Unfortunately for the little man, no one understands his whines and cries so he's kind of out of luck.

"Dad, are you really writing about me again?"

If I'm being honest, I'd guess that Ethan's problems with me are threefold at this time which I will document over the next few posts. Number one being he isn't allowed to recklessly flail and kick about the changing table while I'm cleaning his feces. I don't know if you recall, but this is an issue I had with Ellie at various times (Like here...or here...or here). As one can probably guess, Ethan not being allowed to recklessly flail and kick really stop him from the aforementioned reckless flailing and kicking. 

I used to think it rough trying to change Ellie. Ethan is so, so, so, so, so much worse. For one, he's perpetually putting both legs up in the air only to slam them down on the changing pad over and over again. If I'm not careful, the very second he's clean, he will fling his body down into the toxic, brown diaper all over again. Then, as if he knows exactly what he's done, he'll looking up at me with a smile on his face, giggling all the while.

Once he's finally clean, then the process of actually putting a new diaper on him begins. I'll strategically slide a clean one under him as I grasp both of his feet. Then, I gently let go of his legs and begin to fasten. Unfortunately, Ethan sees this as the perfect moment to roll over on his stomach. Oddly enough, he doesn't try to crawl off. Instead, he just cocks his head to the side and stares at me as if to say, "What, you don't have it fastened yet?"

By the time I'm done putting Ethan's diaper on, I can only imagine how I look. First of all, there's probably an epic flop sweat to be seen. I'd bet there's a big vein bulging out of my neck as I've likely been abstaining from screaming at him over the whole ordeal. On some occasions, one might even see the beginning of tears forming on my face. If I'm being honest, I'm hopeful that my hair, face, and clothes are all still clean from the encounter.

Of course, there's only one thing that could make things worse. Just imagine after the "battle of a lifetime", I sigh in weary relief as I set Ethan down on the living room floor. He turns and smiles at me. I smile back only to see his face contort into an uncomfortable grimace. He grunts and moans until finally, it happens. A smile of relief returns to his face just as that vein begins to pop out of my neck again. Back to the changing table. #DaddyWrite