Day 665 - An Open Door Means an Open Invitation

It is time for me to drop some knowledge. I believe there are four types of people in this world. The first two are introverts and extroverts. I'm quite certain that the majority of people in this country know the difference between the two. That being said, I should probably define the two just to make sure. Introverted people like to be by themselves and extroverted people love to be around others.

As for the other types of people in the world, allow me to introduce you to extroverted introverts and introverted extroverts. Those may or may not be the same thing. For the purposes of this blog post, they're going to be different. Per my definition, extroverted introverts need to be alone most of the time but can handle being around people. Introverted extroverts would likely prefer to be among other people but occasionally require times of solitude to recharge.

As a self-proclaimed introverted extrovert, being a stay-at-home dad does present its challenges. For one, my "party" is limited to an extremely talkative three-year-old and a stair-climbing six-month-old. Yes, that's correct; Ethan knows how to climb stairs. Not all of them at once but he can definitely handle a few.

Back to the point, despite Ellie's best intentions, I do occasionally find myself pining to have a conversation with another adult. That's why when the doorbell rang today, I found myself happily leaping off the floor and bounding to the door to see just who was on the other side. Now, you can imagine the range of emotions coursing through my brain when I opened the door to find a door-to-door salesman on the other side. 

Quick, it's time for a multiple choice test. Did I:

A. Quickly tell him I'm not interested and slam the door in his face

B. Ask him to come back later

C. Politely decline

D. Step outside and engage in a five to ten minute conversation with my new best friend

If you know me at all, then you know the correct answer here was D. Since Ellie and Ethan were happy and calm, I stepped outside onto the porch and joined my new friend, Bo, in conversation. I did however leave the front door open so I could easily keep an eye on my kids through the storm door. 

As Bo proceeded to give me the rundown of all of the new and fancy services Spectrum could offer me, I just stood and nodded, occasionally interjecting with replies when appropriate. Sometime after Bo attempted to convince me to bundle my cell phone plan with a Spectrum internet plan but before he told me it was ok to "borrow" my parents' satellite TV login, I looked down to see an extroverted pair of eyes peeking through the glass door. Ethan had made his way over and was ready and willing to join me in hearing Bo's sales pitch. With that, I picked up my son and proudly held him in my arms as we both proceeded to shower Bo with what was probably a very excessive amount of direct eye-to-eye contact.

An example of Ethan's tremendous aptitude for eye-to-eye contact

Unfortunately for Ethan and I, our fun soon ended with the simple words, "We have Google Fiber's 100 Mbps plan." Once those words exited my mouth, Bo knew deep down that he had been beaten. Regardless, he left a handy, dandy sheet of printer paper with all that we had talked about for me to go over with Bethany. 

Unfortunately for that handy, dandy sheet of printer paper, it's likely destined to become the next victim of Ethan's shredding habit. After all, if there's one thing my son likes more than making a new friend, it's making a mess out of an otherwise nice sheet of paper. #DaddyWrite

I know this doesn't apply at all. However, this caught my eye while closing Giphy. I must ask, "Why?".

Day 662 - Ethan's Problems...Which Are Threefold...Part III

If you've been an ardent follower of "The Threefold Trilogy", then you know that we're ready for the third and final part. If you haven't been reading, don't worry. Just click on the appropriate blog entry on the side of your page and start reading. If you have been reading, then you've experienced my odd fascination with comparing my role to that of a warden and/or police officer. Lucky for you, that won't be the case today. Instead, it's time for me to shift from law enforcement to more of a coach role.

If I had to pick a coach to model my "coaching style" after, I think I'd go with Andy Reid. The first reason why has got to be the homer factor. Seeing as how my reader base is primarily comprised of Chiefs fans, I'd probably get in trouble if I said Bill Belichick or Sean Payton. On a more serious note, I just like the way Andy Reid coaches. His calm demeanor and strong leadership makes guys want to play hard for him. He's also the kind of guy who seemingly takes a talented guy and shines and polishes that talent that's already there until the player can do more than they ever thought possible.

Hmm, I've never seen a walrus dab before.

I know this whole Andy Reid comparison seems kind of random but I'll make the connection work, I promise. It just so happens that there is currently a sweet, little boy in our house who is in need of coaching (or a good drill sergeant) rather than a police officer or warden when it comes to the third and final of his threefold problems. What is that problem? Ethan really wants to stand up.

I will admit that when considering that Ethan just recently perfected the art of crawling, it seems a little strange that he wants to stand. However, that is certainly the case. I don't even know why he has such a fascination with doing so. It just kind of happened.

If I had to guess, the first time I noticed Ethan's desire to stand was earlier this week. Bethany and Ellie had headed up to the third level of our house, leaving Ethan and me playing in the living room on the main floor. I thought we were having ourselves a good old time when suddenly Ethan hightailed it over to the stairs, gazing up at the hallway, and hoping to get a good look at his mommy or Ellie. When it didn't happen, he decided to take things into his own hands.

Placing one hand on the step, Ethan began desperately trying to push himself up. Try he might, Ethan was unable to do it. Then, with his resolve strengthened, the little man placed both hands on the steps, glancing up at his destination once more. Then, he began to push. Straining as hard as his little body would allow, Ethan pushed one side up his body off the ground into a stand. Then, he followed suit with the other side. It had happened; Ethan was standing! 

As a huge smile of satisfaction crept across his face, he decided to focus on the next step. However, no sooner than he moved his left hand to the second step, the little man began to wobble and bobble back and forth. Finally, he toppled back onto the ground from whence he came. He would ultimately try several more times but could do nothing more than get himself to that partial stand.

The good thing about Ethan is that he is certainly a strong-willed child. In other words, he's not going to give up until he accomplishes his goal. Lucky for him, I am an expert coach in the vein of Andy Reid. I will be his Andy Reid and Ethan will be my Patrick Mahomes. With any luck, we'll reach a Super Bowl before we know it. Or, you know, at least climb one stair. #DaddyWrite

Day 661 - Ethan's Problems...Which Are Threefold...Part II

Remember that opening hook from yesterday about me being more of a warden or police officer than a parent at times? Well, after a little bit of thinking on my part, police officer may very well be the most apt descriptor I can use for my "job" right now.

To any of my friends that serve in law enforcement, I want to mention that I mean absolutely no disrespect. After all, most of my opinions about the boys in blue have been molded from that time I got a speeding ticket and repeated viewings of the 'Lethal Weapon' quadrilogy. 

Quick question: do you think Wikipedia or the 'Lethal Weapon' films would provide a more accurate representation of police life? My vote's for Wikipedia but not by much. I think it mostly comes down to the fact that cops don't look like Mel Gibson in real life.

Let's get back to my initial point of "being" a police officer at home. While I've always spent a lot of time chasing Ellie around the house and keeping her out of trouble, that role is now even more necessary with Ethan crawling around and getting into all kinds of mischief. It's that very penchant for mischief that brings us to the second of Ethan's threefold problems with me. What is that problem? I just won't let him have any fun.

For example, one of Ethan's most mesmerizing nuisances is also one that he should not play with under any circumstances: the surge bar for our TV. I understand why it's tempting for him. Not only is there a row of plugs just waiting to be grabbed and pulled, but there is a chain of three bright green lights illuminating at all times. If he's left to his own devices in our family room, it's only a matter of time before Ethan makes a break for it. Then, I find myself (normally at the last minute because I'm lazy) having to "enforce the law" as I pull my son away from the object of his desire.

I don't try to be all lame. In fact, I feel like Ethan and I have lots of fun together. We spent quite a bit of our day playing with various toys and wrestling with each other (as much as one can wrestle with a six-month-old). There is one game though that Ethan has very much embraced that allows me to get in touch with my "police officer" side. That game? The time honored activity of chase the baby. The rules of chase the baby are quite simple. In fact, there is but one rule: you CHASE the baby. 

"Wait, is it time to play chase the baby?"

Oddly enough, there is only one place in our home where this activity takes place: the upstairs hallway. All it takes to initiate a round of chase the baby is to lift Ethan to the top of the stairs and sit him down on the ground. He'll then immediately assume the crawling stance and take off down the hallway. 

Now, I realize that it may sound like chase the baby is only fun for Ethan. However, that is far, far from the truth. As soon as he realizes I'm in hot pursuit, Ethan will begin laughing hysterically as he crawls down the hall. Anytime I get too close, the laughs intensify in both volume and frequency. You may be wondering how long a game like this can last for him. The truth is that we haven't figured out that answer yet. Normally we get tired and end the game long before Ethan's stamina expires. 

The good thing about chase the baby is that I know Ethan could dominate one of those baby-racing contests that NBA teams often hold at halftime. Of course, there is a slight issue with the fact that Bethany or I would be crawling behind him in front of at least 25,000 people. That might be slightly embarrassing to have on YouTube for all time, right? #DaddyWrite

Let's be honest. Ethan would probably just sit there and do this.

 

Day 660 - Ethan's Problems...Which Are Threefold...Part I

There are days as a parent when my job takes a dramatic shift away from molding and shaping of young minds and instead turns into me becoming something akin to a warden or police officer. 

"Freeze!"

"Lay down on the ground and put your hands over your head."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, I'll take into account while punishing you!"

I know he isn't a policeman but I couldn't resist a good Mr. Freeze gif.

There is a consolation prize in the  fact that most parents probably experience something similar at one time or another. If you don't feel that way about your parenting style, maybe it's time for a personal performance review. Side note, look at me just breaking out State Street HR terminology three years after I left the company!

In all reality, even if I'm not really that bad, I can pretty much guarantee Ethan currently believes that to be the case. In fact, if he was capable of human speech, he'd tell you himself. Unfortunately for the little man, no one understands his whines and cries so he's kind of out of luck.

"Dad, are you really writing about me again?"

If I'm being honest, I'd guess that Ethan's problems with me are threefold at this time which I will document over the next few posts. Number one being he isn't allowed to recklessly flail and kick about the changing table while I'm cleaning his feces. I don't know if you recall, but this is an issue I had with Ellie at various times (Like here...or here...or here). As one can probably guess, Ethan not being allowed to recklessly flail and kick really stop him from the aforementioned reckless flailing and kicking. 

I used to think it rough trying to change Ellie. Ethan is so, so, so, so, so much worse. For one, he's perpetually putting both legs up in the air only to slam them down on the changing pad over and over again. If I'm not careful, the very second he's clean, he will fling his body down into the toxic, brown diaper all over again. Then, as if he knows exactly what he's done, he'll looking up at me with a smile on his face, giggling all the while.

Once he's finally clean, then the process of actually putting a new diaper on him begins. I'll strategically slide a clean one under him as I grasp both of his feet. Then, I gently let go of his legs and begin to fasten. Unfortunately, Ethan sees this as the perfect moment to roll over on his stomach. Oddly enough, he doesn't try to crawl off. Instead, he just cocks his head to the side and stares at me as if to say, "What, you don't have it fastened yet?"

By the time I'm done putting Ethan's diaper on, I can only imagine how I look. First of all, there's probably an epic flop sweat to be seen. I'd bet there's a big vein bulging out of my neck as I've likely been abstaining from screaming at him over the whole ordeal. On some occasions, one might even see the beginning of tears forming on my face. If I'm being honest, I'm hopeful that my hair, face, and clothes are all still clean from the encounter.

Of course, there's only one thing that could make things worse. Just imagine after the "battle of a lifetime", I sigh in weary relief as I set Ethan down on the living room floor. He turns and smiles at me. I smile back only to see his face contort into an uncomfortable grimace. He grunts and moans until finally, it happens. A smile of relief returns to his face just as that vein begins to pop out of my neck again. Back to the changing table. #DaddyWrite

Day 656 - Deep Breathing Exercises, Your Screaming Infant, and You

**Inhale for 4 seconds**

**Hold breath for 2 seconds**

**Exhale for 6 seconds**

**Repeat twice more as needed**

I owe that little sanity-saving tidbit to one of the "Ellie picks" from the library this week. While 'Mindful Moments at Bedtime' likely wouldn't have been something I would have chosen on my own, I can't say that it was a bad pick. That's especially true in light of Ethan's attitude this week. For the record, I've included a handy-dandy timeline of photos showing you how Ethan's personality has shifted over the past couple of days.

You should know upfront that Mondays are always a hard day for everyone. Bethany because she misses Ellie and Ethan, Ellie and Ethan because they miss Bethany, and me because I'm left to pick up the pieces after the kids suffer from a day of meltdowns. I've just grown to accept that Mondays are an inconvenient fact of life. However, that mindset does nothing to help me when those grumpy feelings persist past Monday.

I should probably mention that (in a rare turn of events) Ellie isn't the problem. Instead, it's Ethan. The poor kid is suffering from no shortage of maladies at this time. For one, he isn't getting the sleep he needs at night which in turn prevents dear Bethany from getting adequate sleep for herself. Let's pause here and give a quick shout-out and thank you to the rumble strips lining I-435 on her daily commute. 

Another issue with poor Ethan is that he is likely teething. Now, I'm forced to use the term 'likely' as I have no definitive proof that is the case. All I have to go on is the constant presence of hands and/or feet in his mouth, copious amounts of drool, the insatiable desire to chew, and finally, the never-ending supply of screams accompanied by the torrential downpour of tears. All together, it really does make for quite the lovely day.

You would think as a semi-seasoned child rearer that I would be prepared for just such a thing. Well, the truth is that you would be completely wrong. I don't even have to look back into blog archives to remember my near-daily appointment to retreat to my bedroom, slam the door behind me, throw myself onto the bed, and partake in 2 full minutes of non-stop screaming into my pillow. Ah, the memories. They just come cascading back so easily.

While I'm not having those same screaming session this time around, I'm still finding myself mega frustrated by my current set of circumstances. For one, I haven't figured out the magic trick to calm Ethan down when he reaches one of these moods. No amount of holding, bouncing, rocking, or throwing him high in the air seems to be the cure. The only thing that has seemingly worked is to deposit him in his crib, allowing him to cry it out until he finally passes out. At the risk of you calling child services, I want to emphasize that I am making sojourns to his room every five to ten minutes if he is crying.

Lest you think I'm complaining about everything in my life, there was one nice little perk to the day yesterday. At my wits end and desperate for relief, I thought back to those early days with a newborn and stripped off my shirt, letting Ethan lay there and cuddle. For the record, he did just that. Of course, he was actively sobbing while doing so. Did you even know an infant can sob? Going further, did you know an infant can sob while sleeping? I didn't but I do know.

**Inhale for 4 seconds**

**Hold breath for 2 seconds**

**Exhale for 6 seconds**

**Repeat twice more as needed**

#DaddyWrite