Day 462 - Breaking Silence and Narrating Life: The Ranch Dressing Story

Who here likes silence? 

I don't mean simple quiet. I mean absolute, deafening silence with no ambient noise whatsoever. As long as I can remember, I've found total silence to be slightly unnerving. There's something about experiencing complete sound deprivation that really gets me kind of stirred up. 

As you can probably guess, the early days/months of Ellie's life tended to drive me nuts from time-to-time. That'll happen when one is basically prohibited from making noise for fear of waking a sleeping baby. It didn't take long before I realized that narrating my day aloud to Ellie helped to not only pass the time, but also helped to eliminate the total quiet of our house during the day. 

Obviously as Ellie grew older, she developed more in her speech patterns to the point of being capable of conversation. Therefore, my narration of my day has shifted away from being for my own benefit to now being designed to help teach Ellie. Of course, as parents likely know, regardless of how good your intentions are, there is still plenty of room for misunderstanding. For an example, look no further than me accidentally teaching Ellie about race (sort of) today.

Flashback to our lunch today consisting of Taco Pie. For the initiated, this entree consists of a cornbread crust, beef with taco seasoning, salsa, and cheese. Once our food was heated up, Ellie and I sat down as the table to eat our meal. Of course, as we ate, I found it necessary to keep "conversation" flowing between Ellie and I by describing the Taco Pie and all of its ingredients. Now, keep in mind that Ellie probably couldn't care less about the ingredients of our lunch. 

That being said, there is something about our lunch (besides consumption) that Ellie does find interesting. That is the color of our lunch. 

I've been working with Ellie on colors on and off for quite a while. She still hasn't totally grasped it yet though although she does get yellow right about 35% of the time. However, that doesn't stop her from being interested in trying to learn more. 

While the Taco Pie was certainly a hodge podge of colors, the other things on Ellie's plate were much easier to pin down a primary color on. Carrots? No one will ever dispute they are orange. Watermelon? Still a pinkish-reddish color. Ranch dressing? That will always be white. 

As you might be able to guess, it's that last one that gets us in trouble. For reasons I don't completely understand, after I taught Ellie ranch dressing is white, she responded with two simple words: "Mommy white." My first thought? Well, she's not wrong. My wife is definitely Caucasian.

Now, it's possible Ellie meant that as commentary on how pale my wife's complexion can be at times. Or perhaps, she is ascribing to that whole you are what you eat idea. There is an episode of Scrubs (and House) where a patient's ailment was that they turned orange from eating too many carrots.

Honestly, the most likely scenario is she was just confused and said something foolish that didn't make sense. That being said, I'd still love to know what the original thought in her head was and what the logic behind it was. 

Oh, to look inside the mind of a toddler. What a scary place it would be. #DaddyWrite

Day 457 and 458 - Basic Mathematic Properties of Home Runs & Chicken Sandwiches

As everyone already knows, one of the most important parts of any relationship is finding common interests. It really doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is either. Friends, spouses, or parent and child. Each and every one of those relationships require some kind of common ground to function in a healthy and proper manner.

Second to finding those common interests though has to be simply having shared experiences. Yes, it's true the shared experience may benefit one party more than the other. However, there's still something to be said for how experiencing life together can bond people closely. The concept of shared experiences benefitting one party more than the other is certainly fresh on my mind after the events that Ellie and I shared on Monday and Tuesday of this week.

For Monday, I feel it imperative that I provide a little background. Over the past few years, the fantasy football league I participate in has chosen our yearly draft order through some random means. Examples: the Olympic Steeplechase race in 2016 followed by a Dad Joke competition in 2017. 

Stuff like this is the exact reason we picked the Steeplechase...

For 2018, our league had been brainstorming over the past month or so before finally settling on setting a draft order via the Home Run Derby. The lone problem with doing so is that the Derby was to be held on Monday night and as of noon on Monday, we still had no idea how it would work.

Therefore, as someone without a "real" job, I was tasked with figuring out how to make it happen.

First and foremost was figuring out ironclad rules for how an eight-man Derby could choose draft slots for thirteen fantasy football players. Once that was finally settled, it was time to see who each person's MLB representative would be. This is where Ellie comes in. 

As I didn't want the process of random selection to fall 100% on me (just in case things seemed sketchy), I found it imperative to have someone assist with the pairings. While that normally falls to Bethany, her work schedule kept her from doing so on this occasion. Therefore, the deed fell to Ellie which provided me with another whole set of problems. 

I normally do a live recording of the setting of the draft order but doing so with a toddler left way too much up to chance. Therefore, I had to get creative. First, I placed all thirteen members of our fantasy league in an individual envelope. Then, taking sixteen of Ellie's blocks, I taped a piece of paper with a Home Run Derby participant to each one and placed it in a hat. Finally, I tasked Ellie with choosing a block, one at a time, and handing it to me so I could stuff the piece of paper in an envelope with a league member without looking at either name.

Honestly, it's a good thing I chose not to do this little project live and on camera. Ellie spent approximately the first 57 seconds of the video sitting on a chair beside me with only her eyes peering into the frame before she lost interest and scampered off into the living room. Although, she did eventually return to hand me envelopes to open without me even asking her to do so.

Note the eyes in the bottom left hand corner.

For the record, Ellie did a great job picking players as she matched me up with Bryce Harper, enabling me to take home the #1 overall pick for the second consecutive season. I guess she really knew what I wanted at that moment without me even asking her to do so. And that leads us to Tuesday.

First, a quick public service announcement. If you have not yet downloaded the Chick-Fil-A One app, stop reading and do so right now. After all, it's due to that little piece of technology that we had Tuesday's adventure.

One of the nice little perks of the Chick-Fil-A app is that it's pretty common to receive freebie items that are available for a limited time. An even better perk is that a person can occasionally accumulate a large amount of freebies at once essentially allowing them to have an entire meal for free. 

That was the case on Tuesday as our Chick-Fil-A app had gifted us a free breakfast sandwich, medium cup of fruit, and a Peach Iced Tea Lemonade. Therefore, Ellie and I found it prudent to head to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast to revel in our newfound "wealth".

Upon receiving our freebies, we found our new favorite seat in the restaurant and sat down to eat our haul. After we ate our fill, it was time for the second part of our little adventure: letting Ellie play in the play area. Before she could begin playing though, I had to first convince her of two things. 

Number one, she absolutely had to leave her socks on to play. That one is non-negotiable. And number two being that there was absolutely no way for Daddy to go down the enclosed tube slide with her. I've tried them at parks before. I just don't fit and have to awkwardly walk/scoot my way down the inside of them.

Lucky for us, the play area was totally empty on Tuesday so Ellie was able to have the run of the place for as long as she wanted. She could climb up and down the stairs to her little heart's content. She could practice for her future career as either a NASCAR driver or an astronaut (I'm guessing you know which one I'd pick). And last, but not least, she could propel herself down the slide as many times as she wanted. 

While I definitely enjoy watching my daughter play, there are times where I get a little antsy. That's especially true if she's playing in a place where I really can't play too, a'la Chick-Fil-A. I finally put an end to our little adventure around 9:00 after being at the restaurant for an hour and a half much to Ellie's dismay.  And if I needed any further confirmation at all that Ellie had a good time, the immediacy of her falling asleep in the car provided just that.

Days like these two are always good reminders for me that even though Ellie gets mad at me quite a bit, she still likes to spend time with me and do fun/different things together. Now, the question is whether or not that will be the case when she's a teenager. Only time will tell! #DaddyWrite

Day 453 - Conscientious REM Objector & Bovine Aficionado

If my memory does not fail me, I threatened a resolution to a story on Monday. However, the more I think about it, it just doesn't seem all that interesting to write a 500 word post about. Instead, I'll give you the abbreviated version of the story in a nutshell and then write about something that people would probably enjoy a little more.

Simply put, Ellie woke up screaming bloody murder and pounding on her door less than an hour after putting her down. Lucky for us, Bethany and I had company over so we were blessed to be able to share our screaming child with them while they told us about the plans for their college ministry. I'll consider this to be a public apology for the Grahams.

Once we called it a night with the Grahams, we were able to get Ellie back down after a whole lot of rocking, singing, and a car ride to Smithville and back. And thus, all was good until the 2:00 hour when Ellie began screaming again. Then all was good until the 3:00 hour when Ellie screamed again. Same story for the 4:00 and 5:00 hours. 

At that point, we gave up and brought Ellie to bed with us for the remainder of the night. That turned out to be all of 15 minutes before she forced Bethany to get up to go eat cereal. For the record, I tried to get up with her but Ellie was having none of it. Therefore, I instead took advantage of an empty bed to enjoy some more sleeping. 

As do I, Goldblum.

Now you're all caught up on the misery of raising a toddler during nighttime. As such, allow me to reminisce about happier times. Times like Cow Appreciation Day.

For the record, I don't know if Cow Appreciation Day is a legitimate holiday or not. All I know is that it's an excuse to dress like a cow in public and get free chicken from Chick-Fil-A for doing so. Also, I'm assuming most people do it for the chicken and the chicken alone.

While Ellie and I did make it to Chick-Fil-A for Cow Appreciation Day in 2017, we were unable to do so this year. Instead, we headed to my parents' in Savannah for the morning so that I could help my dad with moving cattle between pastures.

Obviously, Ellie really couldn't contribute to actually moving the cattle. That didn't mean that she couldn't stand on my parents' front porch and watch as we moved trailer loads of cattle from my grandmother's house to pastures bordering my parents' home though. In fact, even though I wasn't that close to her in proximity, I could see her excitement every time "Papa" and "Daddy" opened the trailer and let eight cows rumble out the door.

Sorry, I tend to not take pictures of cute babies while I'm doing farm work.

Lucky for Ellie, my dad noticed her excitement as well. Therefore, with the final batch of cows loaded up, he stopped the  trailer near my parents' home and told me to go get Ellie. That way she could ride out to the pasture in the pickup with us. 

We hopped out of the truck to open the trailer and my dad took Ellie in his arms, standing to the side of the door where Ellie could watch as the cows exited into the awaiting pasture. As the cows rumbled off the trailer, the excitement etched across Ellie's face was only rivaled by the sound of her little voice exclaiming, "Papa's cows! Cows running in grass! Cows in grass!". When the time came to leave the pasture, the only response Ellie could muster was a heart-wrenching "Bye, cows," as she sadly waved goodbye.

In resolution, even if Ellie's Cow Appreciation Day was a bit unique from most of Kansas City's, at least she got to participate. I guess the only thing missing from the day was free chicken and Ellie in a cow suit. Oh well, there's always next year. #DaddyWrite

Day 452 - Lip Lock

Quick question. Do you ever wish that all loose ends were easily tied up to ultimately end in a happy manner, all in the span of 30 minutes? 

Actually, if I'm being technical about it, let's say 22 minutes. After all, as I learned during my sophomore year of college when my roommates and I purposely scheduled our classes around being able to watch reruns of 'Full House' and 'Boy Meets World', any problem in the world can be solved within 22 minutes. Well, not always. On occasion, it's necessary for that pesky 'To Be Continued' banner to flash across my screen meaning that the problems needs a full 45 minutes to resolve itself.

Unfortunately, in real life, problems can't be solved in 22 or 45 minutes. It can take much longer and for all you know, you might not ever figure out exactly what the problem was. After all, that's how things work out for me in the saga of raising Ellie.

Flashback to the 5:00 hour and the preparation of dinner. With Bethany and I having recently picked up our beef for the year, we had set out a package of Filet Mignons to have for dinner tonight. Now, I find it prudent here to add that neither of us had ever consumed Filet Mignon before tonight. Therefore, we had no idea how tasty it is. However, we also had no idea how the preparation of said dish is an exact science.

What I mean by that is that time is very, very important when cooking Filet Mignon. 2 minutes exactly on one side before flipping to the other for 2 minutes. After that, it's time to shove the entire cast iron skillet in a 400 degree oven for 4 to 5 minutes to allow the Filets to finish up. Taking all of that into consideration, it's obviously important to not be interrupted by Ellie. However, it seems that no one told her that was the case.

From the time that Bethany started prepping dinner, Ellie wanted her full undivided attention. Despite me only being preoccupied by slicing vegetables, Ellie really wanted nothing to do with me (as is standard operation procedure). Finally, the time came where it was no longer safe for Ellie to be constantly encircling Bethany's feet. It could have had something to do with the 400 degree skillet she was transferring to the oven.

At this point, I invited Ellie over to the table with the promise that I would get her some Play-Doh to play with while waiting for dinner. Leaving Ellie patiently standing on a kitchen chair, I turned my back and reached up on the top of the refrigerator to retrieve the object of Ellie's affection. While doing so, I was shocked to hear a loud boom, followed by the unmistakable sound of my daughter's cry.

As I turned back around, the very first thing I saw was the blood gushing forth from Ellie's mouth all over the kitchen floor. When Ellie fell out of the chair, she didn't just land on the kitchen flood. No, she instead was the victim of an unfortunate lip lock with the foot of the table. Obviously, this resulted in a cut lip courtesy of her sharp, little teeth. Following this, Bethany and I took turns holding a wet washrag up to Ellie's face as we waited for the wound to stop bleeding. 

Don't worry, it finally did. However, Ellie was definitely the worse for wear. First of all, her swollen lip was definitely making it difficult for her to eat as well as she (and we) would have liked. Second, the adrenaline that kicked in from said injury caused her some issues as well.

However, as I've already hit the 600-word mark for today, I'll save the follow-up for this story for another day. After all, I probably should steer clear of writing so much that someone gives up halfway through. No one wants that. #DaddyWrite