It's hard to be vulnerable. No one wants to admit when they find themselves struggling or when they aren't being the person that they want to be. While I normally convey a joyful exterior with nary a hint of seriousness, there are definitely those times when I find myself struggling with issues that I keep hidden under the surface. For me, those issues have primarily been due to my relationship with Ellie.
Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter a ton. However, she can be an extremely difficult person to deal with at times. It's seriously like she's a teenager in a four-year-old's body. It's really going to be strange someday when she's seven or eight and she's already the size of an average teenager.
Where I find myself struggling the most with Ellie is in my ability to keep a cool head when being challenged. For whatever reason, almost any kind of direction I give her is met by arguing or straight-up refusal to comply. It's not like I'm asking her to do anything difficult either. This morning, I simply was asking Ellie to leave our bedroom for ten minutes so that Bethany could have her daily Bible time. That relatively simple request was met with passive-aggressive slow walking which led to screaming which then led to Ellie laying on the floor kicking and screaming. Hardly the way anyone wants to start their morning.
While I was able to keep my cool this morning in the face of Ellie's challenge, that's not always the case. In fact, often times I'm much more likely to physically remove her from a situation when she is being obstinate. Unfortunately, that normally results in Ellie's overzealous claims that I'm hurting her. In case you couldn't guess, that's not really something I want to have happen. Whenever she responds in that manner, I'm pretty much left to walk away and try to cool down since my emotions will inevitably have started to get out of control.
It's those very emotions that lead to most of my issues with
Ellie. She and I are definitely cut from the same cloth in terms of allowing
our emotions to rule us. While she will probably outgrow that trait
(hopefully), there's probably no hope for me at this point. Therefore, it's up
to me to try and be the bigger person. Unfortunately that's easier said than
done. In fact, as recently as this past weekend, Ellie was apologizing to me for
one of her emotional outbursts but rather than accept her apology like any
rational adult would, I instead said I needed time and walked away. Seriously,
who does that? Honestly!
I know that one of the underlying issues at play in these power struggles with Ellie is my desire to be respected. It's evident to me that my desire for respect can oftentimes rule me in all areas of life. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it can certainly turn into one if not kept in check. For me, that's certainly a battle to make sure I am doing just that.
While writing about this struggle isn't going to provide any kind of immediate fix to this problem, I'm hoping that the public airing of these difficulties will help provide an aura of accountability. After all, as a parent to Ellie (and Ethan), it's important that I help show them what a functional, emotionally-stable adult looks like. While I may not have figured out what that means yet, I can at least try to fake my way through it for the time being.
#DaddyWrite
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