Day 79 - Man Card Revocation Procedures 101

One thing about being a stay-at-home dad is that I engage in a lot of trial and error.  Basically, I'll do something the wrong way for an indefinite amount of time.  Eventually, I'll have a little voice in my head click in and say "You could do this better."  Not unlike Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket.  The good thing is that whenever that occurs, I'm not afraid to try a different method.  I figure that the worst that could happen is that my new foolproof method isn't so foolproof.  Today was one of those experiences.  However, I fear that I may have lost my "man card" due to the success of my trial and error.

 

In doing my very, very thorough research for this piece in order to determine whether or not I had indeed lost my man card, I decided to turn to an extremely scientific source.  That's right; Wikipedia.  Unfortunately, I was met with the following seven words, "The page "Man card" does not exist."  Fortunately, Urban Dictionary had plenty of information on the matter at hand (and some of it was actually clean for once).

• Man Card - Requirement to be accepted as a respectable member of the male community.  Can and should be revoked by other respectable males for doing non-respectable-male things.

It could be argued that my man card standing was already on shaky ground because of my status as a stay-at-home dad.  Due to input from other men whose opinions I respect, I think it's been ok up to this point.  People generally don't advocate for the removal of someone else's man card for taking care of their child from what I've seen.  It's fairly normal protocol for a dad to change diapers, feed the baby a bottle, or even dress the baby.  

Since the weather began turning colder, it's been more necessary to make sure that Ellie is staying warm enough.  While early on in the season, this was accomplished just by dressing her in long sleeves and making certain she's wearing pants and socks.  Unfortunately, she's recently reached an awkward phase in her development.  The girl just can't find a pair of pants that fit.  I realize that apparently this is an issue for every woman ever but I didn't expect Ellie to run into that problem yet.  Her pants are all either way too short or too big around the waist.  

Why are there no pants style guides for infants?

I figure the lesser of two evils is for Ellie to essentially wear baseball pants as opposed to having them literally fall off of her.  Since that leaves a decent amount of skin below the knee uncovered, I've had to resort to dressing her in tights so that she stays warm.  For the longest time, I attempted to put tights on Ellie in the same method that I would dress her in pants.  In other words, put her feet in the top and slowly try to work one leg down to the foot hole and then repeat.  While that's easy with pants, it's relatively difficult to do with tights.  Yesterday, I finally had this minor revelation though.  Why don't I just smush the leg all together and put her foot in the foot hole to start with and then pull the tights up?  It worked like a dream and a six-minute process was instantly turned into a 30-second process.

When I proudly told Bethany about this, her response was simple.  "Wait, you haven't been doing that all along?"  Then she proceeded to apologize profusely for not teaching me that sooner.  Something that struck me as a major revelation was apparently common sense to her.  Honestly, I feel like me having no clue about the correct way to put tights on until now could save my man card for the time being.  However, if I keep having similarly astute revelations, I don't know if there's any hope for me.  #DaddyWrite

Day 78 - What if Rodney Atkins sang about cleaning vacuums?

Believe it or not, I'm a very competitive person by nature.  No matter what the battleground is, I'm stricken with an overwhelming desire to win.  Board games?  I love them because I always feel like I have a shot at winning.  I try to analyze the concept of the game and figure out if there's anything I can use in the rules to make it go my way more quickly.  That is unless it's something old-school like checkers, backgammon, or mancala.  Bethany will smoke me every time without even breaking a mental sweat.  Video games?  If I'm playing in person against a buddy, I definitely want to win.  If I'm playing online against a random opponent, well, I want to win, but I'll probably lose to some middle-schooler in their mom's basement.  Sports?  Well, let's just say that I'm not super-duper athletic so I get kind of bummed out at failure, but I'm still going to try hard to win.  Moral of the story, besides me not being good at anything?  I'm going to try and win at anything I do, even if it's a non-expressed race to address the most Christmas cards (By the way Bethany, I'm pretty sure I won).

My competitive streak will hopefully never take me to this place...

 

Unfortunately, one part of me being competitive is that I'm already attempting to live vicariously through my daughter.  Um, what does that mean Jesse?  Well, I'm glad that you asked, faithful blog reader.  First, a little background.  Ellie is one of many children that we know born this year.  The (in)exact number is around eighty-six if you're wondering.  So of course, we're extremely excited that Ellie is going to have so many little friends to grow up with.  Bethany may or may not have already mapped out the next three years of play-dates on her calendar.  I may also be working on ideas of how to scare the inevitable boyfriends that will show up on our doorstop to take Ellie out on a date.  "You will open the car door for her.  You will open the door at the restaurant for her.  You will show her the utmost respect.  You will not try and make a move at the movie theater.  I still will be right here cleaning this vacuum when you get her back here at 10:00." (I don't have a gun so the vacuum is the best I can do unless I want to sharpen the kitchen knives instead).

So part of what comes with raising a child is watching for milestones.  Rolling over, crawling, standing, walking, etc.  The problem with this is that I'm already having my competitive side come out regarding milestones with Ellie and other babies her same age.  I'm wanting her to reach every major milestone first.  I mean, I already have visions of Ellie becoming grand champion of the baby crawling races.  That's a thing, right?  Ellie's cousin is only three weeks older than her, but I forget three weeks is a lot in baby time.  So while he's sitting up on his own and feeding himself, I tend to look at how Ellie's not doing those things and get nervous about how she may be falling behind.  Then, I find myself looking ahead at milestones that she could hit first.  There's that nasty competitive side at play again.

I know that I need to start just focusing on my own child rather than everyone else's even if it's hard at times.  If I'm constantly comparing her, even at this young age, then I'm going to start setting goals for her that she may not be able to live up to.  And thus, she will hate me when she gets older for all of the undue pressure I've put on her.  Then, she'll never come home from college for Christmas break unless I bribe her with a fancy car.  Oh no, I'll be living in the 1998 Christmas classic, 'I'll Be Home for Christmas'.  #DaddyWrite

Day 76 - The One with the Shoplifted Cheese (Possibly?)

Sometimes, I like to find myself imagining what the world must be like through Ellie's eyes.  It's probably pretty bright and colorful.  Especially if you consider that most of her toys feature every color of the rainbow.  I don't know exactly how the mind of a baby works.  I mean, does she remember stuff from day-to-day or is each day brand new to her in every way imaginable?  Regardless of those questions, there is a certain importance to tracking some of Ellie's big "firsts" along the way.  That's one of the things that I love about #DaddyWrite.  I have an outlet to not only have fun, but track the first year of Ellie's life in a way that she will hopefully be able to enjoy someday.  So with all of that in mind, today was a big day for Ellie in terms of firsts.  In fact, there are three to enjoy!

 

"First #1" - Ellie's first "first" of the day is relatively simple but important.  After all, it's not every day that a five month old finds her life's calling.  And what is that calling?  To be the world's greatest hair stylist!  Or just a common barber.  She hasn't decided yet.  For quite a while, Ellie has been intrigued by faces.  She loves to touch everything.  Noses, ears, chin.  She's even shoved her hand in my mouth in an effort to explore.  Today was a new one though.  Ellie really discovered my hair today.  Lucky for me, she didn't pull it...much.  She was much more interested in the texture and feel of it.  After letting her run her little fingers through it until she lost interest (not exactly torture since I love the feeling of having my head scratched), I decided to check it in a mirror.  Ironically, it really didn't look any worse than when I do my own hair.  In fact, except for the milk drool now laced into my hair from her hands, it may have looked better.  She'll start taking appointments next week if anyone's interested.

"First #2" - Ellie's second "first" of the day is actually a more serious one.  A little background first.  Ellie does not like to be carried like a baby.  Meaning she doesn't enjoy being carried in a horizontal, well-supported position.  Instead, she wants to be carried vertical with her head actually above your own shoulder level.  Probably the better to see everything with.  As I was carrying her down the hall for a much-needed diaper change (Ellie was constipated for three days; need I really say more?), I was taken aback by her actions.  She actually encircled her tiny arms around my neck and held them there.  It was her first hug!  Now, I admit that she also did pinch the back of my neck with her tiny little fingers, but I choose to focus on the hugging motion.  Cute, right?

First #3 - And now we reach Ellie's third "first" of the day.  We had to make a quick Walmart run today to pick up our Christmas cards among some other things.  Of course, keep in mind that Ellie's car seat normally rides in the shopping cart on trips like these and really takes up most of the space in doing so.  Once we completed our shopping list, Ellie and I headed for the cashier.  As everything was checked out, Ellie and I headed towards the exit of the store.  Before doing so, I looked down and noticed a package of cheese wedged (see what I did there?) the car seat and the shopping cart.  That's right, Ellie was about to be party to shoplifting for the first time.  Returning to the cashier's stand, I attempted to right my wrong only to have the cashier swear up and down that she had wrung it up and charged me for it, despite it not being on the receipt.  With no other recourse, we headed out of the store with our possibly pilfered cheese and headed for home.

It's interesting to see just how the most unassuming of days can turn into so many first experiences for one little girl.  Her first training for a career, her first hug given, and her first experience shoplifting (maybe).  All clearly special in their own way, right?  #DaddyWrite

Aww, baby's first mugshot...

Day 75 - I Observe With My Little Eye...

In all of my years, I have had several observations.  One of which being Missouri is simultaneously the coldest and hottest place on Earth.  Why do I live here again?  Oh yeah, I came here to find work initially and now I'm a stay-at-home dad.  I sense irony.  ;)  Another observation; Canadians are good at hockey.  I'm relatively certain they invented it so they should be.  Don't fact check me on that as I haven't done any research to back that up.  For all I know, it could have been invented in Acapulco.  Unlikely, yes, but it's better to put the disclaimer there.  Another observation I've noticed is that people like movies.  At least, I haven't met the person who doesn't enjoy a good movie yet.  I believe that the escapism of it for a short period of time is what makes it enjoyable.  You get an opportunity to forget about whatever is happening in your life for a while.

Just going to leave this right here...

One thing about movies is that is rare to come across one in which a protagonist is not experiencing some form of regret, even if for a short time.  For example, Jason Bourne: regrets killing people and joining Treadstone (He may also regret the alternate ending to his first movie).  Coach Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks: regrets his drinking problem even though it eventually led him to rock bottom (aka coaching pee-wee league hockey) where he could put his life back together again.  Marlin the clown fish: regrets letting Nemo be captured by a scuba-diving dentist.  Ron Burgundy: regrets jumping into the bear exhibit at the zoo.  See regrets are rampant in the movies, point made.  Well, I had a great regret today that began rather simply; I flushed the toliet.

 

"What?  You flushed the toliet?  Um, how could you?"  Normally that isn't a cause for concern but it is during Ellie's morning nap since the bathroom is basically right above where she sleeps.  The rule of the morning nap is that no noise in the house may be made under any circumstances due to Ellie's light sleeping patterns at the moment.  Unfortunately, I forgot my own rule.  Needless to say, the baby immediately woke up with a loud scream.  As I bounded down the stairs to put a pacifier in her mouth, I accidently broke rule #2; I made eye contact with the baby.  Now see, once Ellie makes eye contact, she knows that you are invested in her plight and she will continue screaming and crying until the end of time if you let her (That might be an exaggeration; she won't be thirteen and crying like that, I hope).  

For an hour following that, I tried everything I could muster to get her back to sleep without success.  Finally, I played my final card; a car ride.  Luckily for me, the moment Ellie hit her car seat, she either knew she was going for a ride or she's just trying to troll me because the crying ceased completely.  I actually feel that my daughter has an innate ability to troll from birth.  Either that or I've been teaching her well.  After all, I have been known to dress her in Mizzou clothes and send photos to her Husker-loving Uncle Ryan.  

M - I - Z...

Unfortunately, Ellie never did fall asleep on her hour-plus ride but at least she didn't start crying again.  Fortunately, I learned a new life lesson that bucks everything I've been taught since childhood.  It also bucks the wise teaching from my college dormitory bathrooms; "Reach, Believe, Succeed, Flush!"  My new life creedo.  "If it's yellow, let it mellow.  If's it brown, let it mellow."  I might need to work on the rhyming scheme a little bit.  Clown, crown, frown, gown...  #DaddyWrite