FYI, this might be rambling and a little bit long but it's ultimately a cathartic exercise. I guess what I'm saying is READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
I really haven't been wanting to write this blog. If I'm being completely honest, it's been really difficult to blog at all lately. I'm not entirely sure of the reason. It just feels like there are seasons that can get people down and they find themselves in a hole that's difficult to scratch and claw out of. I think this has been one of those seasons though.
I'm honestly not even certain when it began. For whatever reason, over the past month, I feel like I've found myself wanting to spend less time with the kids and more time doing whatever selfish thing seems more appealing to me at the time. When I'm asked to play, the answer increasingly became "in a few minutes". Sometimes though, I wouldn't even sugarcoat it. It would simply be "I don't want to right now." Maybe there's those occasional times when Ethan is telling me a story about something really important to him and rather than engage him like he deserves, he instead gets a "Uh-huh", a "That's nice", or a "Ok". Awful, just awful, right?
The weirdest thing about this attitude is that despite my knowledge of it, I feel like I haven't necessarily wanted to take steps to combat it. Instead, it's just been easier to maintain socially distant instead of giving Ellie and Ethan the attention and affection they deserve. When describing it to some friends recently, one of the best ways I could find to describe it was that I'm present but not really present.
I wish I knew what has brought feelings like this on. I don't know if it's a delayed reaction to Ellie going back to school or if it's something else. I have been struggling with the idea lately of Ethan starting preschool next fall and kindergarten the year after that. I know that's going to bring about a huge change in my life from the way everything has been the last six years. Maybe a part of me thinks isolating is the safest way to protect myself now. I really don't know.
One thing that has been reassuring to me though is that despite my best interests to isolate, Ellie and Ethan continue to seek me out. Rather than give up on me, they continue to chase after my attention and my affection. Therefore, I've been striving to do a better job of giving that to them. Maybe it means less time with my phone in my hand and more time with it sitting unused on the kitchen counter. Maybe it means having more intentional conversations with Ellie when the opportunity presents itself. Maybe it means using my days to teach Ethan things and interact with him rather than let him just play on his own.
I think with Ethan, I definitely feel guilty at times. I definitely have not done as well by him as I did with Ellie at the same stage. When she was his age, I had a "daily schedule" full of "classes" that I would keep during the day to ensure "optimum development". I had dedicated blocks of time that I would use for number work, letter recognition, some handwriting practice, art time, and of course, freeplay. With Ethan, those occurrences have been less staged and therefore fewer and farther between. Thankfully, he's not behind but I definitely feel bad about it.
Since this is apparently just a blog full of non-coherent ramblings with nary a legitimate, cohesive thought to be had, I might as well comment on this too. With Ellie, I've honestly been struggling with how to talk to her lately. Yes, I realize that she's my daughter and a conversation should be simple. However, I'm not sure of the reason why that is the case. Maybe it's the way she gets in the car each day after school and doesn't want to talk about her day at all. Whatever the reason, I know it's definitely something I want to fix and not something I want to persist.
What's nice is that occasionally I get a nice reminder of what it looks like to be a family and to have people at least pretend to be passionate about the things that excite us. In some cases, it's even legitimate excitement! A nice example of this occurred yesterday as we watched the NASCAR Cup Championship Race. A season that begins each year in February reaches it end each year in November with four drivers engaged in a winner-take-all shootout for a title. While I've been a fan for a long time, Bethany and the kids have mostly just put up with my enjoyment of NASCAR. This year though, that all changed.
Around April, the kids were casually watching a race with me and were asking questions about some of the drivers. Well, for some reason, I proceeded to tell them about how the current leader of that race, Ross Chastain, spikes a watermelon into the ground when he wins a race. From that moment on, they were hooked on Ross and cheered relentlessly as he circled the track. On that day, he won his first race, spiked that watermelon, and gained two new fans for life in Ellie and Ethan. While they don't religiously follow the races (none of us do; there's just too many), they do want to know how Ross finishes each week.
After perhaps the craziest thing I've ever seen in 20-plus years of watching racing, Ross qualified for the Championship 4 and raced for a title yesterday afternoon. During the final 50 laps, all four of us sat side-by-side on the couch cheering for Chastain's every move. Ultimately, he came up just a little bit short. However, in his interviews afterwards, Ross gave an awesome example of what it looks like to be a graceful loser and just conveyed joy for the whole experience.
Later that evening, Ellie found herself lamenting Ross's loss and stated how unfair it was that her favorite didn't win. However, that blessed me with an awesome opportunity to discuss how things often don't seem fair or right in the world but how there's a right way and a wrong way to handle those occurrences. We can either let it get us down or we can be thankful for the opportunity that we've been given and the experience we got to have.
Honestly, that lesson isn't just something for Ellie to remember. It's something that I can stand to remember as well. Even during those times I find myself in a so-called hole, it's all the more important for me to fight my way out as I know I have people who love me on the other side who only want to have a relationship with me. That's honestly all Ellie and Ethan ask and I don't think that's asking too much, do you?
